I'm At My Wits End! 

I said it.....I said those dreadful Mom words today. When I heard them come out of my mouth I was appalled. Seriously? I thought with a smile.....I can't believe that I just said that.....I'm not positive but I think I was even shaking my head and had my hands on my hip. I remember when my Mom would say that and I'd think..what? what are you talking about? I don't know what that means but I think your a lunatic.....Time for a break.

Whoever came up with this?!?!

I finally decided to try this Netipot thingy to help my explosive face, I mean sinuses and I gotta say its not that bad....if you don't mind drowning in your own face.

Cool Cat

I keep telling myself that I am still cool and hip even tho I want my levi's to cover my bum when I bend over (whys it so hard to find them?) even if I get annoyed by the snowboarders mouths around my boys while skiing (inside I'm laughing) , even if I can only jump on the trampoline for a minute or I'll pee my pants, even if I run with compression socks on, fall asleep sitting up and enjoy a nice glass of metamucil once in a while. I am fun, cool and totally with it although I just noticed I used the word hip..............

Normal things I do that my husband rolls his eyes or shakes his head at daily. I take coffee with me in a glass mug in the car in the morning (yes, we have travel mugs but I prefer it this way), I use Pam cooking spray, I pay money to run and bike races that I will never win, I have a lot of running shoes and need more, I pick up the kitchen rugs to sweep but won't really sweep for a few days, I don't want to change my bike tire when I have him to do it, I think all dishes can go in the dishwasher and they will fit and why would I wash them by hand when I have a dishwasher also I think I am super funny but he doesn't think I am as funny as I think I am.

Daily Stupidity

Here are few stupid things I have done today: wore two differ colors of the same shoe, washed my car with the passenger window down, used the word "damn" that my 4 yr old is now repeating, sent an email 50 times to the wrong person-no wonder she wasn't getting it, went shopping at Walmart-need I say more.

I can see.....I can see!! 

After 3 different times in the last month of red, blurry, teary, itchy bright red eye that felt like a knife was stuck in it, lots of crying, headaches, several hours spent in the dark, extreme grumpiness, $100 worth of new makeup, 3 different Drs., 2 days of missed work (when I only work 1 day a week), several pirate jokes thrown my way, wasted 3 pairs of contacts, washed sheets..pillows..etc several billion times while wondering wth?!?, $150 in co-pays, several days of ugly no-makeup wearing glasses girl, several hours wondering...am I just a dirty girl?, 1 large chocolate shake, antibiotics, steroids, eye drops and 1 husband ready to divorce my whiney butt... Today I can see color, faces and this beautiful world again. I guess I use my eyes more than I thought and I am thankful to have them and will never take them for granted.

Parents Bad? 

Are we really that bad of parents for sending our kids outside for an hour to play once a week while we ignore them and watch Breaking Bad? I mean there are way worse parents out there, I'm just sure of it. 

Swarts

Ugh! It smells like Swarts in here! I spend time every week volunteering at my children's elementary school. I've decided that these classrooms full of small children and their little butts coming in and out of recess equals the lovely smell of sweat and farts. Yep, sweaty farts is exactly the word to describe it. Its pretty gross.  

Addicted??!?

I believe everyone has an addiction...yes, everyone. Maybe you don't know what yours is but you have one. There is something that you do or like way to much, you think you can't live without it. You think you may seriously die if you don't get it. You shake, convulse and can't stop thinking about it. Do you want to know mine?

Oh Boy! Oh Boy! 

Yep, that's chocolate chip cookie dough. And I'm not just talking about any dough. It's got to be homemade and preferably mine. I don't really care for the final project...I mean cookies are good and all but they don't make me feel the way this cookie dough does. Because of this addiction I could never work in a cookie store, I'd be really fat and fired. They'd also only have a few cookies to sale because I ate all the dough while putting it on the cookie sheet. This is also why I don't have sugar or flour in my home on a regular basis. It's true. 

What's In A Name? 

So these barbecue places have been popping up all around named Dickeys. Really? Dickeys? What kind of name is this? You've already given us a market and sporting good store. I guess the name Dick came from Richard? How did Richard turn into Dick? Does a Richard own these restaurants and stores? Why do you want to be called Dick? If you don't care for someone you may say...Oh, yea...him? He's a big dick! Why big? Shouldn't it be small? 

Finally My Marathon Brain.......unfortunately this isn't really funny....I was too nervous

After hydrating for three days....peeing a lot....serious stomach nerves.....a very busy evening.....I actually slept from 10:50 p.m. to 2:10 a.m. got up and the brain began. Watch...check...Ipod...check...coffee....check....sigh...what if my Ipod won't work? I can't run without music...I'm gonna check it...yep, it works....I have to pee again....salt pills...check...gu...check...of course you've got everything crazy lady.......you've had it laid out since Wednesday. I'm ready to go. Oh crap! Yes! I do want my Ramen noodles that I left in the microwave...thanks babe. Peeing again....sigh..it's really rainy out there....K better be on time.....N is here...she's giddy....its like Christmas morning to her-what is wrong with her? she's weird-Yay! K is on time....ok now to grab M-I bet she's waiting in the driveway-yep, she's waiting in the driveway-she's just like me-always ready and on time-There sure are a lot of cars on the road at 3:50 a.m. probably going the same place we are-is this the right exit? oh good-what time is it? deep breath...were here...lets head up to the buses....panicked..I've got to crap....oh good there are porta pottys....alright...I'm ready! full marathoners to the right? Oh man-I kinda wish I was going left....good luck M...look at all these people.....I can't be the only one nervous.....oh crap..flashing my bib to get on bus...yes, I'm running the full...as I say that I can't even believe I'm saying that.....N is jumping up and down like a little kid.....I can't even sit with my friends on the bus....sigh..I'll sit by this guy..he's awfully quiet...no smile...nothing....finally he starts talking..shesh....nice guy..wow! this is your 7th marathon....your a elementary principle from Heber....Ha! you think I'm calm? I tell him there's no going back now....I'm tying grocery bags on my feet thinking how stupid I look but am so happy to keep my feet dry and out of mud....hope its not too cold or I'm going to have to put my balloon outfit on and then I'll look really stupid....whatever...I don't care....I'd rather be warm and look stupid....starting line here we are...sure was a long drive up..sigh...potty? yep...don't mind if I do....again...I've got to get all this out of me now.....time to sit down and relax.....yea right!....We put on our ponchos....sit on our emergency blanket and put the other one on top of us....nothing is cute about this look.....goofy socks...ugly expensive shoes.....tibia sleeve....big belt jammed packed of things I just may need......2 bras...legs all taped up....no makeup with hair slicked back.....I'd be scared if I saw all this barreling towards me like a buffalo......some look cute as they glide by but not this girl.....Mmmm delicious...time to gag down my soggy, cold Ramen noodles.....with a running cocktail of Ibuprofen and Imodium on top.......and one last crap before I begin...I'm good to go now.......heading to the starting line....take all of our plastic off....us three circle up for a prayer.....always pray before a race...always....I feel another arm in the circle...hmmm...some guy with long hair and a shower cap on joined us......six minutes after the gun I never heard we finally get across the starting line......and I'm happy......feels good to run....I'm soaked...sure wish it wasn't raining......I want to run faster but know that would be bad.....we try to stay around 10.30 min. miles....its hard holding back......we run 4 mins. walk 1 min.....I don't feel relaxed and in the groove until about mile 4.........absolutely beautiful.....everything is so green....kind of reminds me of Hawaii....I smile when I think of my son telling me not to get upset if someone passes me......I can't believe I'm finally doing this....it doesn't seem real......we stop at every water stop......and here come the up and down little hills that I don't love......but I'm still feeling great and don't notice them as much.......wow! we're already to mile 13....time to pee.....um...can't get my pants back up....shesh! I'm so wet....they won't move...its like my clothes are shrinking....finally get my pants up but can't tie them now since my fingers are frozen......guy comes by laughing at me.....phew! finally.....mile 14 here we are.....this is the biggest hill....I hate this hill....I'm tired just walking up this hill......I've got to get to the dam.....my boys are there....my Mom is there....T is there....sure seems really far away......stupid hill....ok lets get running again.....wait...another small hill that feels like Mt. Everest.....I'm running out of gas....I walk...I yell at N that I must walk.....how does she do it....she's running up these hills like nothing....what the crap?!?.....she's amazing.....I'm getting annoyed with these hills....I'm getting grumpy.....why am I so beat?!?....I've got a long ways to go.....just get to the dam.....just get to the dam....I'm never gonna get to the dam.....never....I can see the dam....dig deep....Ugh! I'm unhappy.....I'm tired......I'll be fine once I get to the dam....I just know it.....I can do it.....I think I can do it.....I hope so....sigh....finally mile 17....where are they?!?....maybe they gave up and left....I wouldn't blame them if they did.....Yay!! I see them.....I've never been so happy to see them.....I'm beat.....My Mom has tears in her eyes..... M says are you done now Mom?.....Z gives me hugs and is happy to see me......Everyone is hugging me......they comment how soaking wet I am....hehe my Mom made cute signs.......Husband forgot to bring my water I wanted and is running back to car to get it.....I'm actually surprised he remembered to put it in the car at all....he's a ding dong......Husband gives me a big smooch and hug.....T is asking N how I'm doing.....N says she's struggling this last bit....T puts her arm around me and tells me I can do it....all down hill from here......she's teary eyed....hehehe she's so proud...she's a good friend to me....and were off.....down the canyon....my most favorite part of the whole run....I feel happy now......refreshed.......we hit mile 18....I realize everything after this will be the farthest I've ever ran....I feel great....the rain is getting harder....its windy.....rain is smacking me in the face.....my ears are so wet that my left ear bud keeps going out....I can't believe my watch is still working......impressive......nothing hurts on me.....I can't believe it....this is great.....mile 21? dang...I thought we were at mile 22.......phooey......we sure are passing a lot of people......lots of walkers....limper's.....I can't believe my knee doesn't hurt.....this actually isn't so bad....I thought I'd be crawling and crying by now....I can't believe how good I feel.....out of the canyon and onto the parkway....woohoo!....I'm so happy I have two legs......dancing at a water station....you betcha...I've got to get this wet, shrinking shirt off......N, I made need some help here....its tight.....mile 24 here we are...Yes, N...I roll my eyes.....I see your orange peel smile....Z picked this song.....I hate Owl City but I'm going to listen to it anyways....not bad....he loves this song.....my boys are sweet.....they are probably so bored.....my Dad has been waiting around a long time.....cookies? um no thank you....who can eat cookies right now?!?......I love cookies (I'm a cookie addict) but not while I'm running.....why do they have a fat guy handing out cookies...so weird....mile 25 here we are.....woot! woot!....yep, almost there....dancing....these other runners are glaring at us....they are grumpy...I think they might beat us up if they had the strength.....they shake their heads and say they wished they felt as good as us.....I tell them were almost done.....as I dance....they look mad....Nikki and I laugh and run away.....the song hubs picked for me comes on....perfect....I love this song (You are mine by Mute Math)......I smile....I sing....I realize I am almost there.....I'm really gonna do it....I can see the finish line far away in the distance.......seems really far away....but I know I'm almost there........I see M.....I know its her because the way she stands......I tell N.....she says "are you sure?" Yep......I know that stand anywhere.....one hand on a hip....head tilted.......we wave.....M, K and S see us....they run to us....we run...we walk....we run...we walk....then N points to some guy running quite a ways in front of us and tells me we are going to sprint until we get pass that guy....um..no were not..I tell her....yes..we are she says.....and were out of there....we were hauling butt...we passed by him...she was ready to slow down now....but not me.....I was too close to stop.....she's trying to keep up....I'm done....lets finish this already.....we yell....we high five....and cross the finish line..... we exchange wet hugs......where is my family??.....I see Sol....he tells me to get over there and gives me a big hug......I finally see all of my family....I'm so happy to see them...They are so proud of me.....I'm pretty proud of me too....I go get my medal......I shout at the girl putting it on me....I did it! I really did it!!...she laughs....yes, you did! 

Short or Long Hair?

Women love their hair. They spend money and time on it and get upset if its not "just right".  Sometimes I think It'd be so nice to cut it all off and not worry about it anymore...but then I know that would be a bad choice. Not just anyone can pull off a short haircut. You've got to have the right face shape and the right body. So many cute petite woman look beautiful with a pixie cut but I am not a cute petite woman. I've got a big round face, big bowling ball head and sturdy, curvy body. Women like me can't have short hair unless we want to look like Wreck it Ralph. 

See the difference? 

Farting...Passing Gas...Whooshing...Tooting...Let em' Rip....Cut The Cheese....Flatulance...Stinker....

Whatever you want to call it everyone does it. The thing I don't get about it is when someone does it and pretends they didn't. Really? I think if you do it you should warn someone so they have the choice to move away or stay and smell your butt aroma. My Father in-law will be right in the middle of a conversation and without even a pause will just let one rip and continue on as if no one noticed. Did he not notice that? Did he think I wouldn't hear the bomb go off in his pants? Should I laugh or puke? Is it rude if I walk away? Isn't he the rude one? Sigh..so many mixed up feelings.  My boss will toot and stand right next to me, as soon as I catch I whiff I ask him "did you just crap your pants?"His face goes red and he apologizes. Did he think I was just going to quietly stand there in our small space were sharing and smell his crap. I think not! How about when my bro in law and I were ripping up my Grandma's floor and were bent over right by her bum and hear a whoosh.......apparently you lose elasticity in your bum when you get older (I'm guessing). We both looked at each other wondering what that whooshing sound was but then it hit us......and we had to bail outside to get some fresh air. Also if you did it, you should fess up. Be proud. My family is still trying to figure out who the culprit was 10 years ago on a trip to Seattle. We have it narrowed down but they still deny it. It was unreal. If it was me I would gladly step up to the podium and accept my award with a speech...But someone is still denying it. I get it, we all do it people but a warning would be the polite and right thing to do. It's a funny thing and we should all respect it and those around us. 

Six Pack or Keg?

Ever notice how nice and flat your stomach looks when your laying down. I noticed that mine was looking awesome the other day in Pilate's as she had us lay down and stretch out. Wow! Its so flat, is that my stomach...I check again...yep, its mine. Then I sit up..Ugh...yep its mine. Where does it go when you lay down? In your back? Then I'd look like I was laying on a hill or I'd look like a camel. Is it just on this inside of my body? Why can't it stay there when I'm sitting or standing. Is it possible to still have my active life and somehow be horizontal so that I have my flat stomach? Can I walk around in a back bend all day?  

After All....He Is Family

He only wears it when guest come over so he can be reminded to turn his manners on

Sigh...family can be exhausting sometimes. Lately I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by a certain family member. Phillip gets out of control sometimes and starts to tear things apart, an hour after I vacuum you can't even tell. He has ruined one of my favorite shoes and also dug a hole in the wall because the fan was plugged in and apparently bothering him. He wakes me in the night when the big ol fatty jumps up on our bed and them moans when I kick him off. He pees outside everywhere. He has an eating disorder...he wants to eat everything in sight and you've got to be quick or he'll grab food right out of your hand. He whines if he's not included in everything we do and he humps us on occasion. I've had to pull out a tooth of his that was stuck to the gums and was bleeding like he had been stabbed, it was disgusting. He smells like a dog. He sheds so much that he should be bald by now. He has no manners and sticks his nose in our crotch and butt every morning. I'm the one who wasn't that excited about bringing another member into our family and I'm the one that is with him most the time. I have accepted that he is part of our family and even with all of his annoying habits I do like him. I mean.......he is family after all. I have found that when I put a sweater on him then he is a gentleman. I'm not sure if he thinks he's trapped or being held but he doesn't move once it comes on. Maybe he knows he's dressed nice now so he should behave. Frankly, I don't really care what he thinks. I just know that I enjoy him more with the stupid sweater on. Yes...I put sweaters on my dog. You would to if you wanted your dog to be polite. Plus I think its kinda funny! 

I'm A Big Girl Now! 

Congratulations to myself! I'm now driving a Mom car! I've been putting if off for years now but knew the day would come. We need more room and my cute little Mazda was getting a little tight when we travel. You know your an adult when you buy a car because it has more room, fits 7 people and a dog, you don't look cool in it, you don't get to pick the color because you go off the price, you want good gas mileage and your happy that it was owned by an old lady prior to you. Although am I still an adult when I get in it and laugh because I'm driving such a big Mom car? Hmm maybe I'm just an in mature hooligan trying to pretend she is a grown up Mom. Are the other Moms at the school gonna be disappointed that I broke down and joined them or are they gonna think Shesh, finally she's growing up, its about time! I do love my Mazda and I am glad she is staying in our family. Hubby is driving her now although he thinks she's a chick car he's gonna man her up. I'm sure I will get used to this big step I'm taking into the adult Mom life. If you see me out and about don't think I'm driving to the fabric or craft store listening to FM 100, I'm rocking out to Pink heading to get coffee........on my way to my cub scout meeting. 

Tommy Lee

Oooohhh Lala! 

Yummy! 

I've had a secret crush on this guy since I was about 10 years old. I'm not sure what it is about him. His tattoos? His naughtiness? His long hair? That he is in a band? I still think he's hot and he still remains in my top 5 list of hot guys. I remember the first time I saw him perform with Motley Crue, I was fifteen years old and so in love with the drummer spinning around in a see through ball while he pounded on those drums. I was mesmerized by his hotness.  Apparently in Jr. high while making out with my now husband I told him I wished he was Tommy Lee, he never lets me forget this. Hehehe so funny! What a dumb, young girl. Although I'm not sure if I'd really hook up with him if I had the chance. I'm a mature Mom now and I don't really want any diseases but he does still cause me to get a tiny bit excited inside.  I'll admit his poster hangs in my laundry room (thanks to a dear friend) so I catch a glimpse of him often and it makes laundry a little bit more enjoyable. 

Remember these? 

I do. I remember making out with a certain guy and he couldn't figure out why he couldn't go up my shirt. I have to say that they are pretty stupid looking but its like a chastity belt for girls...so not a bad idea. Good luck getting in boys! 

Bad Mommy Moment

We've all had a few bad Mommy moments...hopefully you've had at least one. I've had several but If you ask my son he will tell you mine was the day I was teaching him how to get better at baseball. He had always been a decent player but was struggling this year with the pitching machine. It kind of freaked him out and as the season went on he was becoming worse. Being the great Mom that I am I decided to help him by taking him to the batting cages for a little afternoon practice. I must note that my husband thought this was a horrible idea and warned me that I had no idea what I was doing and shouldn't try to pretend that I did. Whatever! How hard can it be?? I handed my son a bat and helmet as we entered the cage and got the ball started. He was excited to give it a shot and practice hitting. He asked where do I stand? Well, I'm thinking you stand right on that arrow son. Here comes the barrelling ball straight to that arrow.....uh..oh..no! My son screams and turns so he gets pelted right in the back by the baseball. He falls to the ground crying. I'm yelling and crying asking him if he's okay. I'm in a panic and balls are flying around so I throw on a helmet and straddle over him and start hitting the balls....I was pretty good too. When my game was up I sobbingly asked my sobbing son if he was ready to give it another try. He declined. He finished his season and does not ever want to play again. He says he forgives me but says it was definitely my bad Mommy moment. I agree.

P.S. After watching all of this my other son has also given up baseball.  

Tinkle, Tinkle Little Lady

Worst thing about being sick...you cough or sneeze and have to brace yourself or you'll pee your pants. It's ridiculous. Wherever your at you must stop, cross your legs, be strong and brace yourself or you'll be changing your pants. 

Oh Crap!

I've got more crap stories than any human being should have but that's what happens when your broken for 11 years and no one can figure out what is wrong with you. I can laugh now since I am fixed. Here is one for your enjoyment. 

It was a beautiful afternoon and I went for a car ride with my hubby while he made a few stops for work. I waited in the truck while he was inside one of the business's he needed to visit and it hit me....... I'm gonna crap my pants! Horrible stomach pain, profusely sweating, shaking and can only think about getting to a bathroom right now. You've all been there at least once in your life. I've visited this moment many times in the past and I knew I had to act fast. I look around and I am surrounded by offices and I couldn't chance them not letting me use their restroom or not having one so I moved over to the driver seat and drove half a block down to the Maverick gas station. I knew my hubby would find me since he unfortunately was well aware of my volcanic butt erupting at any given time. I raced into the gas station bathroom, flung open the door while undoing my pants and notice that the toilet is clogged! Aaaahhhh! I stand there in my sweaty panic and look at my options...... I decide, it must be done. Yep, I did it. I feel horrible for adding to this mess but was so relieved that it was in a clogged toilet and not in my pants. As I open the door to leave I am shocked to see that there is a line of 4 people at the door to use the restroom. With a red face I panic and run past all of them as fast as possible, running out of the store, jumping in the truck (happy that my hubby is sitting there waiting) and shout "Go, Go, Go!!!" Luckily we made a clean getaway. 

P.S. I am so sorry to whoever was on bathroom duty that day.