Oh Crap!

I've got more crap stories than any human being should have but that's what happens when your broken for 11 years and no one can figure out what is wrong with you. I can laugh now since I am fixed. Here is one for your enjoyment. 

It was a beautiful afternoon and I went for a car ride with my hubby while he made a few stops for work. I waited in the truck while he was inside one of the business's he needed to visit and it hit me....... I'm gonna crap my pants! Horrible stomach pain, profusely sweating, shaking and can only think about getting to a bathroom right now. You've all been there at least once in your life. I've visited this moment many times in the past and I knew I had to act fast. I look around and I am surrounded by offices and I couldn't chance them not letting me use their restroom or not having one so I moved over to the driver seat and drove half a block down to the Maverick gas station. I knew my hubby would find me since he unfortunately was well aware of my volcanic butt erupting at any given time. I raced into the gas station bathroom, flung open the door while undoing my pants and notice that the toilet is clogged! Aaaahhhh! I stand there in my sweaty panic and look at my options...... I decide, it must be done. Yep, I did it. I feel horrible for adding to this mess but was so relieved that it was in a clogged toilet and not in my pants. As I open the door to leave I am shocked to see that there is a line of 4 people at the door to use the restroom. With a red face I panic and run past all of them as fast as possible, running out of the store, jumping in the truck (happy that my hubby is sitting there waiting) and shout "Go, Go, Go!!!" Luckily we made a clean getaway. 

P.S. I am so sorry to whoever was on bathroom duty that day. 

Shelia

Shelia Porn-I knew I'd have no problem finding some

All year long I've heard about my hubby's other woman, Shelia. Shelia this, Shelia that, Shelia is THE best. She spends a lot of time between my mans legs and I was starting to feel a little jealous. You should get to know Shelia better and I bet you would like her, he says. Fine, I will give her a chance. I can't believe it but Wow! Shelia is a bag of chips and more. Shelia is amazing and I now accept her for all that she has to offer. I hang out with her often while Jim just sits in the garage, I'm over him. My hubby takes one for the team and takes Jim but really I think he just gets excited having me on top of Shelia. Shelia is where it is at. I am thinking we need to get her a smaller twin for myself. 

I Can't Be The Only One

Am I the only one that takes down the Christmas Tree on Christmas Day? This year it was done by 11 o'clock. Yep, its true. I can't sit around and relax knowing that all that crap has to be put away. Maybe its a little weird but it's how I roll. 

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself 

Always check your pants before heading out to the gym. Nothing like starting your day with squats and a huge hole in the butt of your pants. Ugh! What do you do? It's 5:00 a.m, you made the drive, you got up to work out and by golly your going to. I recommend being in the back of the class making you friends be behind you for the coverage and the nice view. 

Remember Skiing?

We started skiing last year and went a few times a week to Alta. It was a big job to load up the car with every ones ski clothes, skis and snacks. Its an hour away and I didn't want to forget anything. I had it down for the most part besides forgetting my coat a few times except for one afternoon....... I got the car loaded and we happily headed up the canyon, unloaded and got everyone ready to go. As my family skied away I went to put on mine to join them and realized my skis were not there. Yep, I went skiing and did not bring my skis. I was a little annoyed with myself and then started blaming my hubby, convincing him and myself that he must have taken my skis out of the car. I watched my family ski that afternoon amazed with his stupidity and mine as well. Once we arrived home we searched the garage but they were no where to be found. Would someone really break into our garage and steal only MY skis? Where could they be? After racking my brain and wondering what had happened to them in the last 5 days that we hadn't been skiing I was at a blank. I was ready to buy a new pair that weekend. The Hubby went back up the next afternoon to ski, parked in our same spot that we always parked and as he was just about to go down the hill noticed, off to the left, a pair of lonely red skis. Low and behold their they were..... MY SKIS! Leaning up against the building, cold and all alone. When he called to tell me the good news and how stupid I am for blaming him and leaving them there five days prior it all slowly came back to me. I do remember I took them off and loaded everything and everyone back into the car leaving them laying there in the snow. I am married to a very kind, patient man. I worry for his future with me. 

Running

This relationship you and I have is really messed up. Just to be with you I put on tiger balm, cheetah socks, compression sleeve on my right leg, left knee brace, $200 shoes, mace (in case I run into an animal or someone crazier than myself) expensive watch to gage how our time together is going, toilet paper, my phone (in case I'm not in the mood and want to get away from you) three bras and music to drown you out. Sometimes when we are together I feel light and free like a bird others times I hate you and can't wait to be done with you. But I will never break up with you....I stay with you.....sigh....because I love you. 

Old Lady?

I spent several hours yesterday trying on Levi's. You put them on and think perfect but then you have to do the sit down test. I sit down and yes, my whole bum pops up and out of my pants. I kept thinking is it me? Am I just an old lady now?  I even asked the adorable, young sales clerks these questions and they informed me its just, like the way, you know, that.... they like make them now. Yes, its true that I fall asleep every time I watch a movie, pee my pants when I jump on the trampoline, run with compression socks on and enjoy a nice glass of metamucil once in a while but I don't think I am an old lady. I don't want high waisted Mom jeans but just some that will cover my ass when I bend over!